dalgona coffee enamel pin – no longer properly socialized enamel pin – toilet paper enamel pin

“So what are you scared of?” he asks me at our last appointment. “I mean really scared of.”

I try to think about it. “I’m scared that if I can’t even handle this right now, how will I be able to handle bigger things in the future?”

He nods. He scrapes his moustache against his thumbs. “Bigger things in the future. What’s bigger than this?…

I spent the holidays with my family in Beijing. Ate hella 煎饼. Had the best kimchi in my life. Got two holiday manicures. A bad perm. A haircut to remedy it. Lasik.

Spent the second half of January self-quarantined indoors. Never went to my second post-op check up. Flight back to Philly got cancelled. Waited out February in Taiwan. Didn’t realise how much this trip would mean to me in the scheme of 2020. Took Taiwan’s health consciousness for granted.

Finally made it back to Philly. Missed my favourite bookstores, cafes, people. Visited them. Didn’t realise it’d be so soon that I’d be missing them again, but grateful to have had that first longing to satiate, otherwise I’d still be missing them here in 2021. Started self-quarantine pt.2 mid-March.

The first day of spring brought the most beautiful display of brotherly love. An anxious walk to Trader Joe’s made brighter. Sometimes good things happen in Philadelphia.

Lost all sense of time in April. Broke out my sweats for the first time in five years. Used Amazon Fresh for the first time. Revived my Bakery Story from high school. Became a dalgona coffee expert.

Spent the summer in LA for family reasons. Turned permanent. Flew back to Philly to pack up my life in three days then came back to LA. 6 medium-sized boxes, 4 suitcases, no furniture, $550 shipping. Haven’t made a thing of it because I haven’t been anywhere so it still doesn’t feel real. Grateful to be in a town with lots of open outdoor space.

Got a new coffee machine. New bookshelves. A new succulent to try to keep alive. Currently drowning but holding out hope. Gave up coffee. Using the coffee machine for tea lattes and hot chocolate instead. Used eBay for the first time. Spent too much time browsing Etsy. Learned macrame. Learned how to make pizza dough from scratch. Became an equestrian. Am also a student again, studying data science. No idea what’s coming next but moving along.

…I don’t know, my friend. This is not nothing.”

Of all his strange responses, this is the one that helps me the most. This is not nothing.

–Writers & Lovers, Lily King