I’ve been having more bad nights since December, nights where my head pounds from exhaustion but my heart races from anxiety, keeping me from the sweet release of sleep that not even the most relaxing nature sound podcasts could lure me into. I’m not unfamiliar with a sleepless night, but it’s never felt quite so physical.

So I gave up coffee, which was a big deal because I got a new espresso machine this past summer, a little luxury I looked forward to every morning that more than made up for the fact that I’ve only visited a coffee shop once since last March. Instead, I’ve been making fancy almond milk tea and hokkaido milk tea at home, which is just normal powdered almond milk tea and hokkaido milk tea but with frothed milk, courtesy of my espresso machine.

Anyways. I was having another bad night, 3AM and wide awake in bed, thinking about the dramatic email I’d write once the clock turned to a more socially acceptable time. Until then, I decided to dally with a podcast. An episode from Chanel Miller’s podcast, which she hosts with her sister Tiffany, had been sitting on my phone for awhile. It was exactly what I needed at 3AM.

How to deal with uncertainty, notes from Chanel’s toolkit:

Remember the agency you do have. It’s easy to lose myself in “I can’t do it” or “Why can’t I do it?” And it’s true, there are some things I can’t do and many things I can’t control. But more importantly, I must also insist to myself: “This, I can do.” Just do what you can. That’s all you can do.

Plant little things to look forward to. Know that there’s something worth enjoying here or that is coming. Chanel gave the example of ordering extra takeout to enjoy another time, or gifting yourself a book to look forward to reading. I’m looking forward to a book I won from a Goodreads giveaway, some vintage postcards I bought off Etsy, and the frozen mozzarella sticks I picked up during yesterday’s grocery haul.

Say “thank you” throughout the day. A different take on a gratitude list. Where a gratitude list is more reflective and can sometimes lead to dysphoria born in the space between how awful I feel and all the things I should feel grateful for… saying “thank you” is a way to stay in the present. Say thank you for all the things you miss when you’re thinking too much. And if that’s too hard, just repeat it to whatever is in front of you. Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you.

-“Highs n Lows,” Childhood with Chanel and Tiffany